Reconstruction/Revision

I guess I should update about what's been going on lately. After reconstruction I thought I would be so excited to tell you all how wonderful it was to be done. But I didn't feel that way. Then I felt guilty that I didn't feel that way, so I didn't want to talk about it. But here is the story...
I can't even tell you how excited I was for reconstruction. It was scheduled for September 5. I was so excited for surgery, it meant I got the horribly uncomfortable expanders out and implants in, my real fake boobs!! I called the day before and found out I had to be at the hospital at 4:00pm. That is really late considering they wanted me to be NPO (not have anything to eat or drink) starting at midnight the night before. Even starving all day couldn't get me down I was so happy. I figured I would sleep in, but that only lasted until 9. We decided to go to the Temple, it would take up some time and be nice and calming. Ryan woke up earlier than I did and decided he needed a nap... then we hurried and got ready, but there was no way we were making the session, so we went to Costco before trying to make the next session (not the best idea). I happened to be wearing a white skirt that day. When we got in the car to leave the house I looked down and noticed brown on my skirt, which wasn't there before I got in the car. Ryan thought it was makeup, I knew it wasn't because I am not black. I figured whatever, lets just go. Once we left Costco and got in the car again I looked down and more brown all over my skirt! I looked in the car again and found a glob of chocolate on the seat-belt. Seriously! Anyway,so we also missed the next session, of course. Instead we did sealings. It was nice to take my mind of everything and just get to be with Ryan in the Temple, and sealings are my favorite. When we got back to the car I had a bunch of missed calls and messages. Wierd. I really don't get that many phone calls. It was Huntsman trying to get ahold of me to tell me Dr. Agarwal was ahead of schedule and I could come in early. We rushed home, I showered and washed my hair quick since I wouldn't be able to shower for a few days and headed up to Huntsman. We got there about 3, only an hour earlier than my original time, but an hour is an hour, and I was starving, the sooner they could put me out the better! By this time various people had called me about 10 times and they told me they would rush me back. We arrived, got checked in and taken back pretty quickly. Got vitals, did my history, the nurse tried to start an IV but missed :( and we sat. and sat. and sat. Finally one of the anesthesiologists came in and started my IV, and explained what was going to happen, and went on and on about nausea and how they would prevent me from getting nauseous. I tried to tell him I don't typically get nauseous after anesthesia, but he just kept explaining. Fine, I don't want to get nauseous. Then 2 more people came in and talked to me about it! I don't get nauseous!! We got rushed in and I laid in the uncomfortable hospital bed for 3 hours and the only thing you can explain to me is how I could get nauseous!! Just tell me when it's my turn to go back!! That's what I was thinking. One of the anesthesiologists did say that my surgery was scheduled for 7pm. Seriously!! Dr. Agarwal was ahead of schedule when they called me, but the lady before me didn't get there early and then they had trouble getting her IV... so then we got delayed. Dr. Agarwal and one of the residents came in we talked about size. I told them I basically liked the size I was (with the expanders) but maybe a little smaller. That was it they took be back and that is the last thing I remember before I woke up in PACU. Itching like crazy. Once we got back to a room they finally gave me water and juice to drink, I was so thirsty. After 3 glasses they wouldn't let me have anymore because they didn't want me to get nauseous and throw up! Seriously if one more person talks to me about getting nauseous I am going to punch you! I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for almost 24 hours! Good thing I was still a little loopy so I didn't actually yell at the nurse, and we got to go home after that. Outpatient surgery. Crazy. It is funny they were so concerned about nausea and I told them when I wake up I am always super itchy, no one seemed to care about that, and I noticed small scratches all over when I got home.

Recovery was way better than last time! They told me it would be, but I still didn't know what to expect. I didn't have any drains so it really was totally different. I only took pain meds for a couple of days. I got to wear a sweet surgical bra 24/7 (except for showers) for 3 weeks! And even though I felt better I still had to take it easy and limit my activity. That was the hardest part.

Tuesday after surgery I really looked at myself. I hate to say it, but I was disappointed. I thought I would update my blog after surgery and tell you all how great everything was and how happy I am and now everything is done and even though I don't look like I did before it looks pretty good. But that is not how it went. And I have struggled with wanting to write anything because I felt so disappointed and then vain and knew I should just be happy that I don't have cancer anymore and that I am alive, and healthy, and didn't have to do chemo or radiation. I am, I am so happy about all those things. And disappointed in my results. For 3 months I had these uncomfortable expanders in, I went to the hospital almost every week to get expanded. The last 2 expansions were painful enough I had to take my good pain meds for a few days after. I feel like I have been though a lot these last 6 months. Reconstruction was supposed to make me feel almost normal again. The problem is expanders and implants are totally different. They don't compare. I felt like there was a total breakdown of communication (maybe because I am a nurse). They told me how many cc's were in my expanders, 510. I knew the implants wouldn't be quite as "perky" as the expanders were but I really had no idea they would be so different. I'm not saying there is nothing there, because there definitely is. The expanders they put in are 550 cc's. The circumference of them is plenty big, its the "projection" that is lacking. Even Ryan, who by the way was the only one who told me not to go too big, more women told me to go big! But Ryan didn't want me to be too big, even he said they didn't look big enough. If you know Ryan you know he is not one to lie to make you feel better about yourself. I knew if I felt they were too small and he was saying that, then we didn't get the results we wanted. I felt terrible the whole day. Ryan called the Dr. office and told them what was happening and how I was upset. The next day they called me, I figured it would be one of the residents or something like that. No, it was the receptionist. I thought "great, why don't you have someone who can't help me at all call and talk to me!" She listened for a minute and then said Dr. Agarwal could see me on Friday. I was so nervous to talk to Dr. Agarwal and tell him I was not happy with the results he had given me. Ryan was on base and my mom was working so I went by myself. Dr. Agarwal came in with one of the residents and just said "so you're not happy with the results?" I said I wasn't and he said "ok, we can go bigger." Just as simple as that. He explained a little about why they chose that size and that helped me understand a little better. I just wish there would have been more communication before surgery. I didn't know if this was something insurance covered or something I would have to pay for, because if I had to pay for it out of pocket I was just going to have to live with my less than stellar results. Turns out it is a revision and (should) be covered by insurance. I was so relieved I can't even tell you. We scheduled surgery right then for October 13. I have to wait 4 more weeks for things to heal, so we can go cut them open again switch them out and sew me back up, then 3 more weeks of recovery. We talked about doing a 600 and 650 cc implant. Basically Dr. Agarwal will put them both is and see which ones look better and hopefully I will agree when I wake up. I am glad we are able to do a revision, but not excited to have surgery again. I am ready to be done with surgery, done with recovery, and ready to get back to normal life.