A difficult diagnosis

I don't really know the best way to go about this. It seems awkward to call people and tell them, and I really don't want to have that conversation that many times! I am not looking for sympathy I just want to let you know what is going on. I figure at some point people are going to start hearing things and I would rather you hear it from me, so here goes... I have the BRCA2 gene mutation, I have known about it for awhile now. Because I have this gene I have a higher risk of getting breast cancer. I have been getting mammograms and breast MRI's yearly to screen for cancer. On March 7 I had my annual mammogram, I got a call a couple days later saying they found some calcifications on my mammogram and want to get a better look so I went back in for another mammogram to magnify the area. The calcifications looked suspicious so they wanted to do a biopsy. I had a biopsy on March 21. On the 25 I got a call that the calcifications were cancerous. I was diagnosed with DCIS or Ductal Carcinoma In Situ, stage 0. Which basically means that the cancer cells are contained inside the duct, they have not invaded the cell wall of the duct or the surrounding tissue or lymph nodes.I had an MRI on Monday to make sure the cancer had not spread and there was nothing in the other breast that the mammogram missed, I don't have results back, but should by the end of the week. I have met with a breast surgeon and plastic surgeon and next week I will meet with a team of doctors and then an oncologist. It has been pretty overwhelming. We are still going over options at this point. But most likely I will have a double mastectomy because of the BRCA2 gene and my risk of the cancer coming back. After the mastectomy I will have less than a 5% chance of getting breast cancer again. Like I said we are still talking to doctors about options and I don't have any surgery scheduled at this time. For those of you who are wondering, yes we have been trying to get pregnant. I started the first round of Clomid in March. Actually at the time I was diagnosed we thought I might be pregnant. I was in the middle of mammograms and biopsy and the OB called and said my progesterone level was high, which meant that "hopefully" I had ovulated and "possibly" I was pregnant. Well I'm not. Maybe it's a blessing at this point, but still disappointing. We will continue trying after surgery, I'm not sure on all the details yet. This is a lot of personal information for me to share, I don't really love throwing my personal information out there on the internet. However impersonal it may seem to some of you that this is the way I have chosen to inform you of my diagnosis, I hope you will support me and not criticize me. It is a lot to deal with and talking about it can be really hard. I am not by any means saying I don't want to talk to people I just couldn't have this conversation that many times. Please feel free to call me anytime. I have been in contact with a few other BRCA2/post mastectomy women and (at least at the moment) feel inspired to keep track of what is going on and maybe help someone else in a similar situation. One of the hardest things for me to reconcile has been that I am not sick. I feel fine, I am otherwise healthy, but I have cancer. I hope to continue to update the blog as we go along and find out more information. I probably won't post much on Facebook about this. My work has been fantastic about helping me work my schedule out around doctor appointments and so has Ryan's. We are very blessed. Thank you all for your love and support.

BMT Graduation

The days went by slow but the weeks seemed to go fast. 8 1/2 weeks later I got to go to San Antonio Texas to see Ryan graduate from Basic training! It was an awesome and hard weekend! Thursday morning started off with the Airmen's run. I stared bawling when Ryan ran by! It was SO great so see him even if he was just running past! I'm a silly girl. Then we got to wait around until 11 for the coin ceremony. Ryan's flight was the first to march out. They looked so good! I got lucky Ryan was right in the front. After some speeches and passing out coins they retired the flag and we could go "tap out" our Airmen, which means in order for them to be released someone had to hug them. I was pretty excited for this moment since I found out what it was. But when the time actually came to tap out I froze! I froze!! I couldn't believe it! I knew where Ryan was I went over to him, then I wasn't quite sure it was him so I looked at the name on his ABU "Nelson" I looked at him again it was him. He was just standing in formation looking straight ahead. I didn't know what to do! I'm not even quite sure what really happened or how it happened, but then I was hugging Ryan! So many emotions all piled into one trying to get out at the same time, apparently I can't handle it! I missed him so much and was so excited, anxious, nervous to see him and Proud of him, and also afraid to get in trouble! Thursday we had to stay on base. We got some patches sewn on his uniforms and wandered around. I just wanted to reach out and touch him to make sure he was real, but I couldn't, I think that was the hardest part.

We saw all the different planes and walked around the "BX" their version of a store or mall, really not very much is on base. But was just nice to be with him.

At 8 pm Ryan had to be back to his dorm and I got to go back to my lonely hotel room! I was pretty exhausted!I didn't get to my hotel wednesday night until 1am and was up at 4 to get ready and be at base by 6! The line to get onto base was long and we had an orientation at 7:15! Nights were the hardest, knowing Ryan was so close but I couldn't see him. I pretty much cried every night. Cried because I was happy I got to see Ryan and got to see him the next day and cried because I still was alone. A really good hard weekend. Friday was the graduation parade. When he actually graduated I'm not sure. Thursday he went from being an Airmen Basic to an Airman, so I thought that was the graduation but people said it was Friday...Friday was a lot of pomp and circumstance! No offense to the Air Force. It was a little chilly and windy and we were sitting on hard bleachers. Once again we all got there plenty early so we could get a "good" seat! Basically they marched from the opposite side of the field to where they lined up. Clear out in the field, you couldn't even see who was who without binoculars, which I did have, but I didn't get any really good pictures. Then someone had to run and tell someone everyone was present and accounted for, then run back. Then other people marched out....it was a lot of marching around in the field a long way away. Finally they marched in, It took awhile, and marched passed the audience. Then they stood close by said the Airmen's creed and a few other things and we got to tap them out again. This time I knew what to do!

After all that was over we took our shuttles back over to the dorms and got a tour of where Ryan lived for 2 months. Pretty exciting. It smelled like boys. But it was all nice and organized! They were trained well to make their beds, keep their shoes lined up straight under them, and keep their drawers organized. They were very specific about how things were folded and everything.

Ryan was the bottom bunk. He loved the community showers!! After the tour of the dorms we got to leave base for the day! We didn't really do too much. Tried to stay low key and Ryan was basically exhausted so walking around in the sun didn't sound too fun to him. Lights out were supposedly at 9,but it seems like Ryan was always up later than that and they were up at 4 am. Some nights they had patrol duty for 2 hours throughout the night too. Saturday we got the whole day together! We walked around the Alamo and the River walk. We went and saw The Lucky One, ate some good food, hung out by the pool and wend to a Rampage hockey game. It was actually pretty fun! We were on the third row, right in all the action. Plus Ryan got to stay out until 11 instead of 8! I would have gone to any sporting event no matter what it was to have a little bit longer with him!

Because Ryan went to church I got to go to church with him which also ment I got to see him an hour earlier on Sunday! Like I said I will take anything! It was a strange meeting. We just had sacrament meeting, the sacrament and one speaker, fine with me! Sunday we had to stay on base all day again which ment nothing to do and nowhere to really hang out and relax so we went golfing. Well Ryan golfed and I watched and read a book! Just like at home. Because golf is a physical activity Ryan had to wear his PT clothes.

I had to return Ryan to his dorm by 6pm. It sucked!! It really really really sucked! Even writing about it now makes me cry. It was the best and worst weekend. I am so proud of Ryan! He has worked so hard. It was funny to watch him over the weekend; he stood so straight and if we were just standing in a line or something his hands were always behind his back. He called everyone sir and mam. And he looks dang good in his blues! I couldn't keep my eyes off him (we'll leave it at that!) ;) Monday morning very early Ryan got ready and left for Tech school in California. He is studying mechanics, I guess general vehicle mechanics. He is at a Naval base in Port Hueneme CA. 4 more months...sounds and feels like forever! At least I get to talk to him everyday now. That makes things so much better. It still sucks just not quite as much! I have to say Thank you to everyone who has been there for me these last few months. My family has been truly amazing. I was in my first semester of nursing school which was really busy and they came and helped me pack up my house, literally box things up because I didn't have time and move me into my Grandma's. I seriously would have died without them! And my friends, friends I've had and new friends. Sorry for all my craziness but thanks for putting up with me. Thanks for all your prayers and support for both Ryan and I. We are truly blessed! What can I say I love this man.

Goodbye

Goodbye life, sanity, sleep,weekends,goodbye clean house, laundry, grocery shopping, goodbye gym and good intentions to eat better,goodbye weekends, time off, lazy days, hobbies, reading. Goodbye dear sweet husband making me breakfast in the morning, making a lunch for me to take to school, making dinner or taking me out because we either have no food or no desire to cook. I am in nursing school!! Ryan is leaving for basic training!! I tried to tell myself Ryan being gone would be a good thing because he won't be here to distract me from studying, while that may be true, all the things he does for me, far out way the distraction. I need a good distraction! We will make it, we will survive. It may be just barely and may not be graceful but we'll be here at the end. So if you don't hear from me for awhile that's why. I am alive but my life has become even less blog worthy, and even more less picture worthy. Yes, I feel about as good as I look. Don't ask and don't comment! Ha!

I am freaking out!

Seriously. This is probably my last month of normalcy for a long time. If you know me you know it is not entirely unusual for me to be freaking out right now. School starts in less than 1 month, January 3rd to be exact. I can't believe it's practically here, I feel like I still have so much to do to get ready! And these last few months have just flown by!!
Thankfully i have Ryan, what would I do without Ryan? he is doing everything he can to help me relax, calm down and get everything done. He is the best ever!! He makes breakfast for me when I get home from work, and dinner when I am taking a nap before work. He even went to the mall for me and got the boots I really wanted when they were on sale because I worked the night before. That is love because Ryan does not like shopping! My list could go on and on and on but seriously he has been so patient and loving and helpful!
This week is really the week my anxiety level went through the roof. I worked Sunday night, fine, Monday fine, we even made dinner. That was our mistake. I woke up about 2 on Tuesday shaking and cold and achy. I thought i might have the flu, but wondered how I could have the flu when already got my flu shot like 2 months ago? Then I remembered that Holly and Brad had been down that weekend and she said they had had the flu earlier that week, but I hardly saw them, and really I hardly ever get sick. Ryan had to get up at 3:30 so I didn't want to wake him up earlier just to tell him I was sick. (if I wasn't sort of editing this as I go along you might be seriously laughing at my creative typing right now!) when Ryan's alarm finally went off, it felt like hours, I told him I was sick and he got me a warm blanket and laid by me for a minute. He ended up calling in sick because I was shaking so bad he thought he was going to have to take me to the hospital! He gave me some medicine and I started feeling better and fell asleep. When I woke up he was sick! Not shaking like me but not feeling good, so I got him some medicine and went back to sleep. So it turns out we made a less than mediocre dinner Monday night with chicken I had left in the fridge a little too long. Ryan only had a little and then made a sandwich, but I was starving so I at the bad dinner...and got really sick.
Lesson learned, pay attention to my food!
But because I was sick I missed my schedule sign up and forgot about it until midnight on wednesdy. I wad planning on working weekends while I am in school, but whe I went to sign up there was not a Friday night to be had! What? Why is everyone all of a sudden working weekends when need them!! Now my schedule is skiwompus!! Which naturally caused me to go into instant panic mode! On top of the fact that I was working at lds hospital which gives me anxiety. It is in the worst location of life!! Seriously. Going downtown at 7 at night is a nightmare, then you have to drive up the avenues. I hate the avenues. Stop on every freaking corner!! I am late nearly every time I work at lds hospital, no matter what time I leave. I despise going to lds hospital. Then getting out of downtown in the morning takes forever. So by the time I get home in the morning I am all worked up. Not to mention all the dumb drivers I get stuck behind. If you can't drive the speed limit it is either a) time to get a new car or b) you shouldn't be driving because your a moron. It is probably safest not to drive, ok be around me in the morning! :)
But Ryan and I did figure out a solution to my problems. Since he will be leaving in february I can move out of the apartment and live on a van. I can get to work and school and have a place to sleep. Perfect.
Ok, it will work out and I am sure it is not as dramatic as I am making it out to be,but sometimes it seems that way to me. That's why I need Ryan to bring me back down to earth.
Wow. If you didn't think I was crazy before you do now. I do. Sorry no pictures again. I might have some at home I can try to post later, we'll see.

Working my butt off (hopefully!)

These last couple weeks have been crazy!! Last week I was a crazy person. I don't know what got me going but I seriously worked out a ton! One morning I ran for 40 min. Then that night I went to a piyo class with my cousin Sara, I loved it! Then the next dayni had personal training then right after I went to a zumba class, which wasn't my favorite.... Hopefully I can try it again, but piyo was awesome. I think I am paying for everything now though. I slept until 3:30 today! I did work the two nights before bit that is long for me, all this exercising is wearing me out! Let's just hope I don't lose whatever motivational streak I'm on!

I also got to have lunch with my cousin Sara, we definitely needed to catch up! I get so busy being busy I forget there are other people out there! Then we went to piyo together, it is nice to have a workout buddy!

Halloween not my favorite holiday, I celebrated by working. And I made a wreath. That's it. Happy Halloween.

I have been in some kind of crazy mood lately, besides the working out. I decorated my porch and made my Halloween wreath, and I have more projects on my list! I am normally NOT like this! Maybe I should go to the doctor. What doctor to you go to for exercising and doing crafts!! :)

It's nice thinking this is my last shift this week, even though I am working at slbh on Friday and contemplating picking up a day shift on Thursday for some overtime pay! I feel so good right now! Which is why I am blogging, or sharing all my random thoughts at 3 in the morning

I am contemplating working days even though I know itnis crazy!!? It would be really nice to see Ryan more, nice enough that I am contemplating busting my butt for 12 straight hours!! I am thinking that for the next shift sign ups I will work 2 nights and 1 day, ease into it a bit and see if I can really handle it. Plus school starts January 3!! And I need to figure out how to fit that into my schedule! Yikes!!

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I have been blogging from my iPad, in the middle of the night. If there are crazy spelling errors and random letters hanging around that is why, it really isnt easy blogging from an iPad. But I still love it!!

Oh my

I feel like time is just flying by (except when I am at work!) but seriously things just keep going and going and going. A kiss hello and a kiss good bye has been about the extent of our quality time together, except when there isn't time for that, then it's just a phone call on the way to work or texts at work. So this last week we took some much needed time off and had a mini vacation. We stayed up in deer valley. It was wonderful not to have to be anywhere and do anything. Sometimes I just need to get away from the house so I don't feel the need to clean and do laundry....I couldn't have asked for more than to just be with Ryan, he is the best!
So I picked up a prn job at salt lake behavioral health because "call off season" is supposedly starting at IHC, well it hasnt started yet for me. I have been working like a crazy person!! I hope it will get better when I am not training anymore?
In case you didn't know Ryan signed up for the air force reserves. I still have mixed feelings about this. I hate the part where he will be gone for 6 months for training and whenever he gets deployed, but also feel a strange sense of pride that he is doing it. With boot camp coming up quick we decided we need to get our butts in shape and have been going to the gym again. One more thing on the list of things to do. I don't like going but feel good after that I went! Hopefully I can keep going long enough to see results!
This is my third night on and in a few hours I get to go teach the sunbeams!! Oh my, I'm not sure how this is going to go. Got a phone call from an unknown number as I was walking into work which I didn't answer, turns out they want Ryan and I to say the prayers in sacrament meeting, hopefully they aren't planning on it,I'm just hopping to make it to primary! I swear we just said the prayers last month, that is plenty for me.
I'm just rambling now, nothing has really changed since I last wrote, still no pictures, but that's life I guess. A little hectic but pretty darn good!

What's going on??

You probably don't care, but sometimes I feel like I have no idea! Really since the middle of July I feel like we have been going non stop. After Vegas, work was killer,then the first weekend in august we went to washington for Ryan's 10 year high school reunion and a wedding reception. We actually made it this time! I have to say the reunion wasn't what I thought it would be, apparently the dinner Friday night was cancelled because nobody prepaid the $75. So we didn't miss much Friday. When we got there Saturday afternoon we met up with Ryan's friends, and went swimming in the canal. Well I didn't because I am a baby, but everyone else did. Ryan got to show off his moves! We did have fun. Then it was off to the bar..for a not very good expensive dinner,seeing a bunch of drunk people apparently Ryan didn't care to catch up with, which was fine with me! Especially the creepy drunk/high guy who Ryan played soccer with at one time,but was never really friends with,he kept coming over and just staring! Yikes!! I was glad we didn't stay very long. But glad we got to see the people we really came to see. Sunday was Ryan's friend Toby and his wife Tandra's wedding reception. They got married in Hawaii in may and we weren't able to go so it was Fun to see them all dressed up and see the wedding video. We came back tuesday afternoon, both worked. Thursday I went up to bear lake for the harvey family reunion. It was lots of fun! We went boating an played in the water all day. I tried wake boarding but just can't get up! I guess tubing is more my thing! I can hold on to that tube like a champion, even though my legs are flying in the air and slapping the water! Good times. It was so fun to see all my family, play, eat and catch up. I did pay for it though,I hurt so bad!
We also got a new car the beginning of august. A white Hyundai sonata. I like it. It has navigation, which has come in handy a couple of times,but I really like the back up camera, the Bluetooth, and my sunroof!
Anyway, so I got home from the family reunion Saturday afternoon. Sunday I taught sunbeams, then we went up to park city with Ryan's family for the week. I worked Sunday and Monday night. We hung out in park city for the week, Ryan got to go golfing almost everyday with his dad, Bryce and John. Now I am back at work. I'm not complaining,we have been doing some fun things, but sometimes all the fun things, combined with work can wear you out!
I think my tomato plants are officially dead. So sad. They were doing so well until we went to Vegas, we asked the neighbors to water them for 3 days, when we left they were green and thriving. When we got back they were brown and dead. They said they watered them every night, but obviously they didn't! I might still be a little upset about this. I tried to revive them,I cut all the dead branches off, but they just aren't the same. We only get really small tomatoes. Maybe next year?
Sometimes I feel like I am just running through life trying to figure out what's going on. I look at other peole with their houses, kids, and careers, and wonder why we haven't figured it out yet? But lately I have been thinking who cares what everyone else has, I am not them. I have a good life. I have wonderful family who love and support us. And and AMAZING husband who works so hard. Even though I always wish I could see him more, I am so glad to have a husband who knows how to work and is willing to work. There is nobody else i would rather try to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up with than Ryan! He always believed in me, encouraged me to go back to school, and knew I would get into a nursing program even when I lost hope. Thanks Ryan, I love you!